Never in my Wildest Dreams
a memoir by evi beck
[Following a long career in university teaching—she holds two Ph.D.s in literature and in clinical psychology—Evi came to sacred circle dancing later in life. She has two groups in the Washington DC area, and regularly conducts a workshop on Celebrating Women’s Lives Through Sacred-Circle Dance, held at Ghost Ranch in the Grand Canyon. Her website is at http://evibeck.com. ]
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be teaching Sacred Circle Dance at age 81. As a child, I did not have the luxury of imagining my life forward. Often it seemed as if I were making my life up, only to discover that I was following a multi-stranded thread: teaching, social justice, and dancing.
From the beginning, I loved school. But because of Hitler’s anti-Semitism in Austria (where I was born), I was evicted from kindergarten. We escaped to Italy and in first grade I earned a gold star. When I was 7 we immigrated to the USA, and from the beginning, school was my haven. Home was chaos and anguish over the fate of close relatives.
From early on, I also loved to teach. In high school I was chosen to be “teacher for a day” though I was not the best student— likely the most enthusiastic. Living at home while attending college, I had no idea of what I was capable. PTSD and a noisy household distracted me, but with the help of worldly friends, I got into graduate school to study Teaching.
Although I suspected I was lesbian in my teens, the idea was so frightening in those years that coming out seemed impossible. Like so many other hidden lesbians, I married and had two children. Against peer pressure, I returned to school where I became a Teaching Assistant. After 10 years, I earned a Ph.D. in Literature and eventually became a professor. In time, I became a founder of women’s studies, lesbian studies, and Jewish women’s studies. When feminism made the word lesbian speakable, I came out, and thrived.
The realization that many women’s studies students had histories of trauma in their lives, led me to train as a therapist, a different kind of teacher, and after 13 years, I earned a Ph.D. in clinical psychology.
I came upon Sacred Circle Dance seemingly by chance, but from the first step, I felt I had come home; it was like the folk dancing of my youth, but more nourishing. The “sacred” in our dance is not religious, but related to wholeness and healing. The dances are moving meditations integrating mind, body and spirit, leading to harmony and balance.
I danced weekly, but soon went for longer trainings. I became so passionate that when one of our local teachers decided not to teach, I stepped in and never again stepped out.
Sacred Circle Dance changed my path from feminist professor, to feminist therapist, to feminist teacher of dance. To support this practice I use all of my previous trainings. In the early years of feminism, there had been a sharp split between spirituality and politics though some had tried to integrate the two. At the time you could not be both and I chose politics.
But by the time I started to teach dance, I was in my late 60s, and no longer accepted false divisions, no longer worried about losing my feminist credentials. In this stage of my life, I would be my most authentic self.
I began new learning and organized dance sessions celebrating goddesses around the world, honoring the muses of creativity, the seasons, stages of women’s lives, opening to joy, healing, wisdom, gratitude, world peace, being fully present in our bodies. The dance has become a central part of my spiritual practice.
I no longer see a separation between trying to change the world and focusing on individual and communal strengths. Our dance practice builds community and offers a safe haven.
One culmination of this practice is a week-long workshop at Ghost Ranch, where Georgia O’Keefe painted, this year a Celebration of Crones in Autumn.
Although I had a lobe of my lung removed three years ago, and last year had a bout of lower back pain, miraculously, this never interfered with my ability to dance. I am fortunate to be able to move freely and joyfully. I forget that others may see me as old. I intend to keep on teaching so long as I can dance. My passion for teaching these dances is so strong that I think it is contagious.
Evi Beck
(Evelyn Torton Beck)
[email protected]
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be teaching Sacred Circle Dance at age 81. As a child, I did not have the luxury of imagining my life forward. Often it seemed as if I were making my life up, only to discover that I was following a multi-stranded thread: teaching, social justice, and dancing.
From the beginning, I loved school. But because of Hitler’s anti-Semitism in Austria (where I was born), I was evicted from kindergarten. We escaped to Italy and in first grade I earned a gold star. When I was 7 we immigrated to the USA, and from the beginning, school was my haven. Home was chaos and anguish over the fate of close relatives.
From early on, I also loved to teach. In high school I was chosen to be “teacher for a day” though I was not the best student— likely the most enthusiastic. Living at home while attending college, I had no idea of what I was capable. PTSD and a noisy household distracted me, but with the help of worldly friends, I got into graduate school to study Teaching.
Although I suspected I was lesbian in my teens, the idea was so frightening in those years that coming out seemed impossible. Like so many other hidden lesbians, I married and had two children. Against peer pressure, I returned to school where I became a Teaching Assistant. After 10 years, I earned a Ph.D. in Literature and eventually became a professor. In time, I became a founder of women’s studies, lesbian studies, and Jewish women’s studies. When feminism made the word lesbian speakable, I came out, and thrived.
The realization that many women’s studies students had histories of trauma in their lives, led me to train as a therapist, a different kind of teacher, and after 13 years, I earned a Ph.D. in clinical psychology.
I came upon Sacred Circle Dance seemingly by chance, but from the first step, I felt I had come home; it was like the folk dancing of my youth, but more nourishing. The “sacred” in our dance is not religious, but related to wholeness and healing. The dances are moving meditations integrating mind, body and spirit, leading to harmony and balance.
I danced weekly, but soon went for longer trainings. I became so passionate that when one of our local teachers decided not to teach, I stepped in and never again stepped out.
Sacred Circle Dance changed my path from feminist professor, to feminist therapist, to feminist teacher of dance. To support this practice I use all of my previous trainings. In the early years of feminism, there had been a sharp split between spirituality and politics though some had tried to integrate the two. At the time you could not be both and I chose politics.
But by the time I started to teach dance, I was in my late 60s, and no longer accepted false divisions, no longer worried about losing my feminist credentials. In this stage of my life, I would be my most authentic self.
I began new learning and organized dance sessions celebrating goddesses around the world, honoring the muses of creativity, the seasons, stages of women’s lives, opening to joy, healing, wisdom, gratitude, world peace, being fully present in our bodies. The dance has become a central part of my spiritual practice.
I no longer see a separation between trying to change the world and focusing on individual and communal strengths. Our dance practice builds community and offers a safe haven.
One culmination of this practice is a week-long workshop at Ghost Ranch, where Georgia O’Keefe painted, this year a Celebration of Crones in Autumn.
Although I had a lobe of my lung removed three years ago, and last year had a bout of lower back pain, miraculously, this never interfered with my ability to dance. I am fortunate to be able to move freely and joyfully. I forget that others may see me as old. I intend to keep on teaching so long as I can dance. My passion for teaching these dances is so strong that I think it is contagious.
Evi Beck
(Evelyn Torton Beck)
[email protected]
